DiAngelo provides an alternative paradigm for white people—responding to feedback about racism with feelings like “gratitude, excitement, discomfort… humility” (141) and behaviors such as “reflection, apology, [and] listening” (141). When white people hear feedback about racism, they could: own their racism, admit fault, accept feedback, and commit to emotional and behavioral growth. In this paradigm, white people would appreciate feedback, genuinely express apology, and focus on acknowledging their underlying assumptions and developing a more complex understanding of the social nature of white supremacy and individual white people’s participation in it. If white people could reduce their defensiveness, they would disrupt racism and spur authentic growth and relationship.

To provide a template for how a white person should respond when challenged in cross-racial interactions, DiAngelo looks to her own life. She describes an incident that occurred while in the company of a Black web developer. DiAngelo describes the negative reception to a recent diversity training session, joking, “The white people were scared by Deborah’s hair” (139)—a reference to one of her Black colleagues. The developer later tells other members of DiAngelo’s team that the comment offended her. After processing her feelings of embarrassment and shame with a white colleague, DiAngelo asks the developer’s permission to meet toward the goal of repairing the damage caused by her racist comment.